When nothing and everything makes sense: Shearer to Newcastle

Guess who might be back? Photo Akuppa CCAL

For the last few days we had wondered whether to do a round-up of April Fool’s stories, or even to create one of our own. It didn’t happen - and it’s probably just as well, since it would have been submerged by the April Fool’s story that apparently isn’t - Alan Shearer has taken the occupied position of Newcastle United manager.

There are so many baffling aspects to this story, so here is a selection of the ludicrous and the inconsistent and the uninformed chatter that has followed this story:

The expert reaction - Mark Lawrenson and Sir John Hall

From the BBC:

BBC football pundit Mark Lawrenson told Breakfast he was also “hugely surprised”.

He added: “If anyone can lift Newcastle out of the doldrums it’s Alan. He’s got no experience of management but people like Jurgen Klinsmann and Franz Beckenbauer at Germany came in with no experience as well. He is regarded as a god up there in Newcastle.”

He does have no experience of being a manager. Klinsmann had no experience but did have two years of international friendlies as Germany manager before World Cup 2006. Beckenbauer was West Germany manager and two years of qualifying before reaching the World Cup final in 1986. Plus, that was twenty years ago. For Shearer there are 8 games left to save the club from relegation. Different.

Sir John Hall: “I’ve always felt Alan was the only man at this moment in time who could manage Newcastle. He’s a bit like Keegan, when we took him back 20 years ago. Keegan always had the magic touch and I think Alan’s the same.”

The only man? Not Mourinho? Not Capello? If Newcastle United have found themselves in a situation where the only person who could manage the club is someone who has never managed a club, it’s an interesting reflection on the club. Unproven ‘magic touch’ - not traditionally the foundation of a good appointment.

Mike Ashley and his powers of persuasion

The Newcastle chairman has convinced a man who turned down a coaching role in November 2008, turned down the chance to assist Keegan in January 2008, and turned down the managerial position after Glenn Roeder was dismissed in summer 2007, to take the job when the spectre of relegation looms large. Impressive work for a man who has already relieved Shearer of his role as Newcastle ambassador in September, tainting Shearer’s relationship with the Ashley regime, as reported in the Telegraph:

Shearer, who scored 192 goals in 363 appearances for Newcastle, had described the club’s infrastructure as “strange” while labelling Dennis Wise’s role as “dangerous”.

He said: “I’d like to be a manager at some point in my career but I want to manage - and control who comes in and out of the club. If you’ve got three, four or five players waiting for you and you don’t know who they are, then you have got the right to ask yourself, “Can I manage this football club?”

Timing skills

February 7: Kinnear falls ill

Next week: It becomes apparent that Kinnear will need triple heart bypass, Hughton continues in charge with help of Colin Calderwood

March 10: Kinnear targets return to management on April 11

March 16: Newcastle confirm targeted return on April 11

March 28: Newcastle managing director Derek Llambias confirms that Kinnear is desperate to come back and if tests are successful on April 6 then he’ll be in training before Stoke game

April 1: Probable arrival of Alan Shearer. Meantime,  Chris Hughton (previous record as Newcastle interim manager this season W1 D1 L5), has steered the side to a streak of W1 D2 L3.

So, stay patient, wait for Kinnear to come back, bear with the inconvenience… until he’s about a week away from coming back. Good plan.

Article published within the last 24 hours which looks silliest now

Thanks to the Telegraph for this one, published at 6pm last night:

Steve Bruce would ‘love to manage’ Newcastle if Joe Kinnear does not return

And the likely effect of a Shearer return?

Lots of noise and positivity, and louder crowds at St James Park. Perhaps a fillip just big enough to keep Newcastle United in the Premier League. Make no mistake, though, if Newcastle United stay up that alone doesn’t tell us about Shearer’s qualities as a manager, and this decision to hire him would still have been made on a wing and a prayer. And the disbelief that surrounds this story tells a story of its own - maybe they should have tried to keep the story from going public until tomorrow, when the April Fool’s connotations didn’t register so strongly. Nothing about this story makes sense, and yet if Newcastle stay up it could be regarded as Ashley’s masterstroke.