Joe Cole - Photo John Dobson CCA

The Daily Mail led with a headline yesterday which hooked us in straightaway, essentially because the two strands of news bear no relevance to each other.

New deal for Nicolas Anelka spells the end of the road at Chelsea for Joe Cole

Chelsea have reopened negotiations with Nicolas Anelka over a contract extension which would see the France international stay at Stamford Bridge until 2013.

Discussions with Anelka’s representatives stalled last month over his desire for a £40,000-a-week pay hike which would take his weekly earnings to £120,000.

Story number one - Anelka in contract talks with Chelsea.

With chief executive Ron Gourlay under instructions to reduce outgoings, a compromise figure will still have to be reached if Anelka is to stay beyond the summer of 2012 when his contract expires.

The ‘new deal’ referred to in the headline, then, seems some way away, not least because the two sides are arguing about a 50% pay rise.

News that Chelsea’s hierarchy are ready to negotiate with Anelka will come as a further blow to Joe Cole. There has yet to be any movement on a new deal for Cole whose current contract expires in the summer.

Story number two - Joe Cole is not yet in negotiations about a new contract. That’s not necessarily to say he won’t - he has, after all, still featured 27 times for Chelsea already this season, and despite not having the best time of it he is only 28 years old and his best days may yet be ahead. And the club seem to want him to stay as well, given Ray Wilkins’ words of six days ago:

“He loves Chelsea,” he added. “He wants to stay at Chelsea and I am sure that the club and his people will sort the situation out.

“We are desperate to keep Joe. I know the club are and we as a management group feel the same.

“He is a very valuable asset to us. It is a contractual situation that he and the club I am sure will sort out at a later stage.”

The talks with Anelka don’t impact on Joe Cole since they play in two different positions. Unless, of course, there’s only the money to keep one or the other of them, but given Abramovich’s bank balance it seems unlikely that’s a pressing concern, despite the intention of cost-cutting. Besides, are Cole’s demands that unreasonable if, as the Daily Mail themselves claim, he’s asking for “in excess of £100,000 a week” instead of the £80,000 a week he currently earns. That, ironically, seems like less of a jump than Anelka is demanding.

Senna in 1989 - Photo Gabriele CCA

An unfortunate memory failure from the BBC’s Martin Brundle in anticipation of the upcoming Formula One season. As a colour commentator, he really does give some excellent analysis and insight during the races through the year, but perhaps nobody thought to double-check his recollections on a piece for the BBC website previewing the key battles between the drivers in 2010. The appetising prospect of Michael Schumacher racing against Lewis Hamilton takes him back to an older rivalry altogether:

I’m eagerly anticipating Hamilton versus Schumacher in the same way I did Schumacher versus Ayrton Senna.

There are only a few great drivers in Formula 1 and every so often they go head-to-head; there’s always a king and a pretender to the throne.

Senna was the king and then by 1994 Schumacher started regularly beating him.

A couple of things occur to us here:

Firstly, Senna was obviously a quite exceptional driver, but at that time he was not exactly the undisputed best. A certain Alain Prost had just won the 1993 World Championship, for instance, and the two shared a rivalry as intense as any in Formula One history, with no clear winner either way. They were team-mates for two years in 1988 and 1989 - Senna was World Champion in 1988, Prost in 1989. Prost moved on, and Senna won two more World Championships, but Prost would finish with four titles, secured before Senna’s first and after Senna’s last. But Prost retired at the end of 1993, so perhaps we are being overly pedantic.

Secondly, and certainly less pedantically, there’s a good reason Schumacher started beating Senna in 1994. In 1993, Senna was runner-up for the Championship to Prost, Schumacher finishing fourth. In the first two races of 1994, Schumacher had won both, although each time Senna had started on pole. Their budding rivalry was tragically cut short by the events of the 1994 San Marino GP, the third race of the season, in which Senna died. So hardly regularly beating him beforehand, and rather unsurprisingly beating him thereafter.

Wilson in Honduran colours - Photo Reyrod CCA

The Sun run an exclusive today detailing the wishes of Tottenham’s defensive midfielder Wilson Palacios. He’s got his heart set on bigger things, it appears, and he seems to have told a British newspaper that very thing:

WILSON PALACIOS has stunned Harry Redknapp by admitting he is using Spurs to get a move to Real Madrid.

The Honduran midfielder has been a key player for Redknapp’s Tottenham side following his £12million move from Wigan last January.

But Palacios, 25, reckons he has bigger fish to fry.

He said: “I am really happy at Tottenham but I will continue working for a future move to a bigger club.

“I would like to play for Real Madrid.

“Today, many people respect me in England. That’s because of my hard-working attitude.”

Now, you can be fairly sure that he didn’t actually tell the Sun this, because why would anyone tell the Sun anything it’s possibly not expedient to say something like that when Tottenham fans might subsequently read it and be upset by it. We can assume that the paper most likely obtained these quotes by reading  them in another publication, or just as likely being tipped off about them by someone locally. So we turned our search to Honduran newspapers, and quickly came up with the originals in Diez. Turns out that these quotes were actually part of a much longer Q & A style interview carried out by a Honduran journalist on a visit to England, translated crudely in full here by Google Translate. But to give you the gist of the piece, it is headlined “I would love to play for Real Madrid”, and the key passages (as translated here) are:

The big names of the Premier League recognise your work …
Of course. Thank God I have been able to earn a certain status in the league and that is down to the the work that I do from one game to the next. Everyone respects me and that’s important.

Do you feel ready to step up a level in England? To sign for Manchester United, Liverpool or Chelsea?
It will all come in time. For now I am very content at Tottenham and I am happy here.

When you signed for Spurs we all thought you would go to Manchester United. Was there a chance of that?
Various things were said, but nothing was concrete. I am happy to have come to Spurs because here I have felt very good. They have treated me in the best way possible. I am going to continue working so that soon the possibility opens up of going to a bigger club.

Does it sound cheeky to say that Wilson can play for Real Madrid or Barcelona?
Not at all. That would be great. I work intensively to be able to improve, and if one day there were the possibility that would be beautiful. I would love to play for Real Madrid.

So actually, yes it appears that he did say what the Sun say he said, and allowing for the inevitable hint of tabloid sensationalism, it could be far worse - certainly fairer than plenty of other more creative translations we’ve seen here. However, to balance the story a bit, it should be stressed that Palacios spends a lot of time talking about how happy he is at White Hart Lane and how much he’s continuing to work hard for them. And actually the idea that Spurs aren’t as big as Real or Barcelona, especially to a man from a Latin background, won’t rip apart Spurs fans, or even Harry Redknapp. And yes, techincally you could call it ‘using’ the club, but there are very few footballers who aren’t by that measuring stick playing for a club without thinking of it eventually being a stepping stone to another club. Besides, we rather think the Sun were ‘using’ the headlines to fill their pages with something not quite as sensational as all that.

Yes, John - you shall go to the World Cup - Photo Paul Blank CCA

Who would you pick in England’s World Cup starting XI? That’s what the Sun asked its readers, and they answered. The only trouble is that the England team has for several years been very easy to pick, and there is rarely much dispute over the squad of 23, let alone the composition of the first eleven. So when the Sun got the results in and it became apparent that they weren’t as exciting as they might have hoped, they launched into action:

Sun readers forgive JT ‘n Ash

JOHN TERRY and Ashley Cole are still firmly in the hearts of England supporters with the World Cup looming.

Fans want to see the controversial pair wearing the Three Lions shirt in the opening group game against the United States on June 12 - despite their chequered love lives.

Newsflash newsflash! England fans can separate infidelities from form when considering the best England XI! Ashley Cole is still the best left-back in Britain despite the fact that he’s (allegedly) been sleeping around. But that can’t possibly… wait… unless those two facts have nothing to do with each other.

Left-back Cole also received a huge mental boost from the nation’s favourite paper as he recovers from a broken ankle.

The defender is battling to be fit and back in action in plenty of time to prepare to face the world’s best 31 other teams this summer.

Yet England fans have not forgotten Cole on his long road back to recovery by making him the runaway choice to play alongside Terry and Ferdinand.

He polled a staggering 69 per cent of the votes cast to start the first Group C game.

When the Sun have been fairly regularly updating us live from southern France about Ashley’s lovelife, recovery from injury, depression and bowel movements, it’s perhaps not a huge surprise that Sun readers have not forgotten about him.

That eclipses Wayne Bridge, who has since retired from England over the Terry scandal.

The Manchester City star managed just 16 per cent of the votes cast by thousands of our knowledgeable readers.

Capello - Photo Paul Blank CCA

Fabio Capello will not quit England early… says Alan Nixon in the Mirror today, due to his love of golf. The bullshit detector started beeping furiously at that headline, and unfortunately it only got louder as we scanned through the article text (all 407 words of it):

Fabio Capello will stay on as England boss for the next two years - and one of the main reasons is his love of golf.

It’s a good reason to stay in international management, we grant you, but not necessarily in the England job. After all, we’re pretty sure that there are golf courses everywhere. Unless - and the article doesn’t specify, sadly - Fabio is only interested in links golf.

The Italian has become hooked on the sport since coming into the country and pals reveal that his obsession is so great that it is why he won’t quit as the national football coach.

Fabio doesn’t strike us as the kind of guy to keep a bunch of ‘pals’ - especially the sort who are so indiscreet that they’d let slip that his love of golf will ensure he remains in his current (football) job.

Capello is so crazy on golf that he plays a couple of times a week, has brought his handicap down to single figures and even has a putter and a practice green at his FA office.

… And they couldn’t possibly be moved to any other country anywhere, could they? Evidence.

The Three Lions chief is so caught up in his new passion that he talks about it in his spare time - even MORE than football according to some of his closest associates.

Well, think of the article this way; it could have  been a 407 word tirade about how Fabio needs to start getting focused on football rather than golf - Fab hooks World Cup dreams out of bounds - just as well the media like Capello, then.

Capello has been the target for rival countries after his success with England, but his top allies reveal he will definitely see out his contract and carry on for the two years after the World Cup finals.

Top allies. That’s a new one. Not naming names, though.

There had been concern that Capello may see the South Africa showcase as the time to cut and run, but those in his camp are convinced he will carry on…with golf one of the driving forces behind his decision.

The ‘…’ suspense trick about golf being a reason doesn’t work as well when it’s already been used in the headline and it’s featured in every other paragraph in this article, which is already entirely meaningless empty speculation based on his unrelated hobby of playing an outdoor sport in a country where the weather is more often than not dreadful - as opposed to, say, Italy.

One top England source revealed: “Fabio is a private guy and also a competitive sportsman. He played a bit of golf before he came to England, but since he has arrived it has taken over his spare time.

“Fabio spends more hours playing, practising and talking about golf than you could imagine. The fact he is good at the game also keeps him happy.”

One top England source revealed: “Fabio likes golf.”

Capello was a fierce midfielder in his playing days and took that kind of steel into his football coaching. But now he has found another sport to work on and bring out his skills.

The word is that Capello’s handicap may be as low as six, a dramatic drop since he came to the London area where he finds the courses and time to work on his swing.

For crying out loud - think about this. Does it not occur to you that ‘pals’, ‘top allies’ and a ‘top England source’, who possess the knowledge to make pronouncements about Capello’s career plans, should really know what handicap Capello plays off? I mean, if he’s really playing all this golf, and talking about it non-stop, might he not mention that he plays off six? Seems like the sort of thing he might be rather proud of. This sort of stuff makes brains hurt.

Capello is so content with his lot - also having time off in his Alpine retreat - that he seems sure to stay as England boss for Euro 2012 because life is so sweet for him.

And when he weighs up his future in the summer it will only take the thought of the fairrways and greens of his adopted ‘home’ to make sure that he stays in the top job.

Yes, that will be what he thinks of. If that’s the only factor, why bother waiting till summer? Let’s hope he’s forgotten all about how mind-bogglingly insane the press got when it came to the John Terry and Wayne Bridge incident, and all he can think about is his next round of golf.

David Luiz - Photo Jose Goulao CCANCND

“We’ve got an exclusive!” boast the Mirror! “It’s big, it’s exciting, and John Cross can tell us more! Aggghhhh!”

Chelsea tracking £10million-rated Brazilian central defender - exclusive

Chelsea boss Carlo ­Ancelotti is tracking ­Benfica’s Brazilian defender David Luiz.

The 22-year-old is regarded as one of his nation’s top prospects and has also attracted interest from Manchester United and Real Madrid. The £10million-rated centre-half fits the bill for Ancelotti as he looks to freshen up an ageing squad.

Captain John Terry has looked vulnerable, and his ­defensive partner has ­alternated between veteran Ricardo Carvalho and Brazilian Alex. Luiz, who is under contract at Benfica until 2015, would bring youth to the back four and Chelsea had scouts watch him in the Europa League against Hertha Berlin.

Chelsea? Interested in David Luiz? Exclusive information? Seems like that information was about 24 hours old when it landed on the Mirror’s football pages. Here’s the Daily Mail’s story of the previous day (which, as it happens, they didn’t brand exclusive):

Chelsea fight Manchester United in £15m summer move for Benfica defender David Luiz

Chelsea are ready to go head to head with Manchester United in a bid to sign Benfica defender David Luiz.

United have scouted the 6ft 1in Brazilian amid concerns about first-choice centre halves Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand, who have both missed a raft of games because of injuries this season.

But Chelsea are ready to open the bidding for the £15million rated star after also being impressed with his performances for the Portuguese table-toppers.

Luiz, 22, could strengthen a position at Stamford Bridge where John Terry’s form is faltering, Alex has been dogged by injury and Ricardo Carvalho, 32 in May, is getting no younger. Branislav Ivanovic, highly regarded at Chelsea, has seen more action at right back.

Luiz, who can also play at left back, has a buy-out clause set at a whopping £45m, but Benfica would accept much less for a player who has also been linked to Real Madrid.

Chelsea have tracked the former Brazil Under 20 international since the summer, when sporting director Frank Arnesen checked him out along with other Benfica stars Angel di Maria and Fabio Coentrao.

Luiz has formed a formidable partnership with compatriot Luisao in the Benfica defence, which has conceded just 11 goals in 21 League games this season.

Remember, if you know a bit of gossip, there is every chance that the Mirror may discover it subsequently, and most curiously, exclusively.

Andy Goode - Photo Sergio CCA

FA Cup Quarter-Finals

The fixtures this weekend were full of those cup narratives you’ve come to know and expect. We had the Premier League juggernauts rolling on relentlessly to Wembley to defend their title. We had the lower league side live the underdog’s dream for half a game, before sliding towards defeat to a better side. We had the backs-to-the-wall club in chaos finding equanimity in the Cup when it’s all they have left to play for. And we had a goalless draw because all cup stories need an exciting replay. So take your pick which of those stories to follow all the way to Wembley for the (semi) finals.

 —  —  —  — 

Davis Cup

Speaking of long-established narratives, here’s one you may have come across before: brave Brit wields tennis racket and succumbs reluctantly to his own mediocrity. Great Britain may have led 1-0 and 2-1 in this weekend’s fixture against Lithuania, but their failure to win the tie means that the next stop for the Brits is a trip to Turkey to see who will contest the lowest tier of Davis Cup next year. Something tells us that Andy Murray may struggle for motivation to compete against world number 122 Marsel Ilhan and world 880 Ergun Zorlu.

 —  —  —  — 

The Goode, the bad and the ugly

Good news. English fly-half Andy Goode has gone to try his hand at Super 14 rugby, turning out on loan for the Sharks who are desperately short of cover. It may be a funny version of rugby which likes to try out Experimental Law Variations and produces the occasional 137 point thriller, but it seems to be competitive fare, producing players who are well equipped to play international rugby. Goode can be congratulated for going, and may well come out a better player for the experience. Bad news. Two games so far for Goode, two sin-binnings. These have rather taken the edge off some of the more impressive things he’s done, such as a fabulous drop goal from range ont he weekend in the Sharks’ clash with the Brumbies. Ugly news. Goode’s been welcomed less as trail-blazer and more as figure of fun by some of the southern hemisphere’s commentators. As one slow-motion replay passed on the screen it was observed that his was “the only comb-over in Super Rugby”.

Back for more - Photo Simon Scott CCANC

So now we know. Wayne Bridge won’t shake John Terry’s hand, won’t share a dressing room with him, and as things stand, won’t go the the World Cup. Terry won’t be captain, will be in the team, and as things stand will go to the World Cup. Given the fragility of Rio Ferdinand’s back, the lack of first team action from first choice right-back Glen Johnson in 2010, the vacuum at left-back with Ashley Cole’s fitness in doubt and Bridge’s withdrawal, and the lack of a World class keeper between the sticks, most people will have been relieved to have seen John Terry at the heart of England’s defence last Wednesday night. But Stan Collymore isn’t like most people.

This column may have been posted a week ago, hot on the heals of an error strewn perforamce as Chelsea crumbled against Manchester City, but he has stuck to his guns on his TalkSPORT shows, notably after the Egypt game when most people concurred Terry had a decent game. After Terry’s performance in Chelsea’s cup win against Stoke, his comments look dafter by the day. So join us as we rewind 7 days to this offering:

John Terry can serve his country best by quitting England

The maelstrom surrounding John Terry has reached new heights and the former England captain must serve his country by stepping down from the squad altogether.

What? The best thing for John Terry, with all his experience of major tournaments, Champions League football, omestic and European Cup Finals, and winning Premier League titles, can best serve England by not playing, making room for somebody like Joleon Lescott instead?

I was critical of England boss Fabio Capello for removing the captaincy from Terry when news of his infidelity with the ex-partner of Wayne Bridge emerged.

But having seen the depth of anger this has caused in football and in the country at large, further action may well sadly be necessary.

Depth of anger that led John Terry to say this following Wednesday’s friendly: “The way they supported me and got behind me was fantastic, I really appreciate that. There were a few jeers but I can handle that. They are fully entitled to their opinion.”

Be warned people, it runs deep.

With Bridge dropping out of the England squad and refusing to shake Terry’s hand when Manchester City visited Chelsea on Saturday, it is clear this situation isn’t going to go away.

I can only imagine more stories and problems emerging if either man were to go the World Cup with England.

So unless Terry and Bridge can sort things out between them, then neither should be on the plane to South Africa.

Got that Fabio? You’ve lost your second choice left back, your first choice is recovering from a broken ankle, the other world-class half of your first choice centre half pairing has such chronic back problems he can barely string 2 games together, but why not cut of your nose and leave Terry at home too. Just be careful not to spite your face…

Terry is under the spotlight like never before and he is not revelling in it.

He is not playing well for Chelsea and Carlo Ancelotti’s team have hit worrying form at the worst time in the season.

Chelsea conceded four goals at home against Man City to lose 4-2.

And Terry doesn’t look focused on his football, which is understandable.

Then again, a small handful of games since the story broke (Terry Played 7, won 3, lost 3 and drew 1) might not be the sort of evidence you base major decisions on, particularly with Chelsea short of specialist left backs and missing Cech in goal, something that would unsettle any defence. And suggesting he was crumbling under the pressure seems to under-estimate the mental strength of a man who scored for England just weeks after missing the penalty which would have won the Champions League and who greeted the first wave of tabloid revelations by scoring the winner away at Burnley.

Following today’s game spent repelling Delap’s aerial deluge and scoring the second goal that booked Chelsea’s place in the semi finals, which he celebrated by running towards the Chelsea fans and pointing at his captain’s armband, he did a pretty good impression of somebody who wasn’t wilting under the spotlight as Stan suggested.

Now there are probably plenty more stories to come out of the Bridge camp as they are unhappy their man has had to fall on his sword and pull out of the England squad.

So I think for squad unity, Terry needs to do the same thing and drop out as well.

I don’t think he will. but I wonder if Capello may now step in - as he did with the captaincy.

Capello has already stripped Terry of the armband and may decide the squad is better off without him altogether.

In case you’re wondering where Collymore got the idea that Fabio might intervene in such a way, he was probably reading between the lines when Capello offered these thoughts the day Stan penned his column: “I didn’t ever consider taking John Terry out of the squad, just as I didn’t decide to take Wayne Bridge out. And I don’t believe the other players will have lost respect for him because they know his leadership qualities.”

With Terry around, any potential discord before and during the World Cup will be highlighted.

David Beckham was vilified after England’s exit from the World Cup in France 1998.

And Terry could get the same treatment if his behaviour is seen to be responsible for England failing this summer.

So I imagine Capello is assessing his other options to play in the centre of defence.

New skipper Rio Ferdinand is going to be a certainty if he is fully fit, but other candidates include Matthew Upson, Wes Brown, Michael Dawson, Phil Jagielka and Ryan Shawcross.

Sadly, none of them are as good as Terry at his best.

The first valid point Stan has made. Slightly undermines the argument that Terry should be left sat home though.

But can Terry, with all the potential distractions around him, guarantee he will be physically and mentally right this summer?

Why wouldn’t he be physically right? He’s not been injured lately. And given he has always been considered mentally strong and the fact the you would take defensive backup, it’s probably a risk worth taking. Compare that risk to that of leaving him at home, fit and ready, then watching Ronaldo, Messi or Kaka exposing the top level inexperience of Upson, Jagielka or Shawcross in a knockout game at the World Cup. The scales at SWS are tipping one way on this.

Bridge has already made his point that he thinks he can’t and I am not convinced Terry can either.

I would have liked to see Bridge wait a little longer until he made his decision though - he could have dropped out of the squad for the Egypt game only initially.

Now he has opted out though, it does not leave long for Capello to look at left-backs as Ashley Cole is crocked.

Aston Villa’s Stephen Warnock has had a fantastic season, Everton’s Leighton Baines is quality and then there is Fulham duo Paul Konchesky and Nicky Shorey.

Shorey is an interesting one because he couldn’t get into Villa’s team and has been loaned out to Nottingham Forest and now Fulham.

But he would be the one I would go for because he has played for England before.

He is not a dynamic, bombing-forward full-back but he won’t let anyone down and I wouldn’t discount him.

He concentrates on his defending and, more often than not, doesn’t get flustered.

Good to get off the subject of Terry, but championing the claims of Nicky Shorey is a slightly bizzare note to sign-off on, especially based on the dealbreaker that “he has played for England before” (remember this comes a few lines after he suggested replacing John Terry with such Billy No-Caps as Michael Dawson and Ryan Shawcross).

Shorey has played for England before, in two friendlies under the glory days of Steve McClaren in 2007, but more recently he spent part of this season in the Championship with Nottingham Forest, which is probably not the best preparation for a World Cup, even though he has since earned himself another crack at the Premier League whip with Fulham. He was with Forest because he couldn’t get into the Villa team, unlike another contender for the squad, Stephen Warnock, who has played once, under Capello, and Leighton Baines, who has also now played once. That’s a veritable gulf of experience giving him the edge.

Still, Stan is entitled to his opinions, even if finding the logic in them can be like trying to find a blonde American waitress that Tiger Woods hasn’t bedded. We just wish he would form an opinion and stick to it. The leftfield line of thinking above came just 4 weeks after Stan brought the world this column:

Why John Terry should stay as England captain

John Terry is taking a lot of flak at the moment for his behaviour off the pitch, but I definitely think he should stay as England skipper.

And I will be disappointed if manager Fabio Capello relieves Terry of the England captaincy ahead of the World Cup.

Terry is the best man for the job, absolutely no doubt about that, and we quite simply should separate his personal life from his sporting life.

He is the England captain because he leads on the field and plays the game well - not because he is faithful or unfaithful.

…And 3 weeks after Stan expressed his disappointment with the sacking of Terry as captain:

Fabio Capello was left with no choice but to sack John Terry

Fabio Capello’s decision to strip John Terry of the England captaincy has left me very disappointed, but sadly it became inevitable.

[...]

I think it is a shame, as all that should really matter is whether England win the World Cup in the summer - not who is skipper.

So thanks for everything Stan, we wouldn’t have known what to think without you. Since Terry will hit the back page headlines for the right reasons tomorrow, we await with baited breath Stan’s regular Monday column to see what impact the latest 90 minute installment in the John Terry saga has had on his ever changing thoughts.

In this open season, Terry has been taken to task as an egotist by Piers Morgan in a newspaper column that included 31 uses of the word I, or its derivatives me, my and mine. (Then again Piers also told somebody called Ptolemy that he had a silly name, so maybe it was tongue in cheek.)

The only shame is that Martin doesn’t stop to mention that said newspaper column appeared in the Mail - the same paper for which Martin Samuels works.

On the plus side, perhaps now an England game has been negotiated, perhaps, just perhaps - we are reaching the point where we might be able to talk about something else.

Ashley Cole - Photo Downing Street CCANC

Even when Ashley Cole gives the media a gem of a quote, it can still be misreported. Clearly he said something to indicate his despondency at the latest events, but as the Guardian astutely points out, who knows exactly what?

The England left-back lost his cool yesterday while relaxing on his balcony, launching a tirade of abuse at bemused paparazzi. Exactly what he said we don’t know, because although he was quoted in four different daily papers, none of those quotes are quite the same. So choose from the following:

The Mirror: “Why don’t you just f*** off? F*** off – you’re scum, you’ve ruined my life. Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone?”

The Star: “Why won’t everyone leave me alone. I’m meant to be here for treatment. F***ing hell, my life is ruined. Why don’t you all just f*** off, just f*** off.”

The Sun: “F****** hell, my life is ruined. I just want to be left alone – everything’s gone so wrong.”

In the Mail he doesn’t even precede his asterisks with an F, saying bluntly: “**** off! Why doesn’t everyone just leave me alone? Just **** off, my life has been ruined.”

He sounds pretty unhappy in all versions, so we’ll just leave him alone at this point, shall we?

Tape recorder, schmape recorder. They’ll probably remember the gist of it when it comes to writing it up. As we said last week, you’d have thought it would be hard to have any sympathy for old Ashley, but somehow the misreportings of his every move as he tries to stay out of the limelight and recover from his injury aren’t helping us hate ‘the love rat’ as much as they feel we should.