Rooney, not so much a Wenger boy - Photo Austin Osuide Wikimedia Commons

One this day in 2004,  BBC’s transfer gossip column mystifyingly has Arsene Wenger chasing all the big names, has the Daily Star Sunday pricing Rooney at £50m without so much as a Florentino Perez in sight, has Chelsea eyeing up the Spanish totty and featured some future Borussia Monchengladbach players with careers in flux. Meanwhile, on the international scene, plots were afoot to entrench Sammy Lee in the England set up and Glenn Hoddle in the France set up, but as things turned out we’ll never know whether or not Glenn Hoddle picked up enough vocabulary in his time at Monaco to insult disabled people in French too…

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has conceded defeat in the chase for Wayne Rooney, claiming the Everton striker will join Manchester United. (The People)

Well conceded Arsene, though it’s hard to recall Arsenal ever really being in the hunt, unlike Newcastle, as reported in The Times - an article that in hindsight seems miguided, noting that Ferguson was “‘unlikely’ to sign another forward imminently,” whilst Newcastle’s “interest is difficult to reconcile with their immediate needs. In Alan Shearer, Craig Bellamy, Patrick Kluivert and Shola Ameobi, they already possess four high-quality strikers.” How different things may have been had Newcastle replaced the “high quality” Kluivert (circa 2004) and Ameobi with Rooney.

Manchester United say they cannot afford to meet Everton’s £50m valuation for striker Wayne Rooney. (Daily Star Sunday)

They probably couldn’t afford to meet Everton’s £50m valuation. Fortunately for United, that was made up by the Daily Star Sunday, and they landed him for half the amount, which they met nicely.

Arsenal made a sensational 11th-hour bid to sign Steven Gerrard from Liverpool - and could make a move for the midfielder next summer. (News of the World)

Again, it’s hard to recall Wenger uncharacteristically making plays for Rooney and Gerrard, nor did he make a move for him the next summer - that particular futile transfer play was all Chelsea. We can’t help but wonder, if their bid was 11th hour, what happened on the 12th hour?

Rangers are poised to beat Celtic to the signature of Dundee striker Nacho Novo after increasing their offer by £100,000 to £450,000. (Sunday Mirror and News of the World)

Celtic allegedly opt not to sign Novo believing him unenthusiastic about the prospect and Rangers land the Spaniard. He goes on to score 25 goals including the one that won them the title, which must have been a little bit annoying for Celtic.

Chelsea are closing in on a £6m swoop for Benfica and Portugal central midfielder Tiago Mendes.(News of the World)

Yes they were, and they did indeed sign him for an undisclosed fee which was believed to be nearer £10m than £6m. After a decent season, Chelsea brought in the rather useful Michael Essien, and, as most players would, Tiago lost his place in the team and went to Lyon. He would later come close to a Premier league return for the 2008-9 season as Everton agreed to take him on loan from Juventus, but Tiago refused to go, bizzarely locking club President Giovanni Cobolli Gigli inside a toilet stall to prevent the deal going through. Cobolli Gigli was reportedly stuck there for an hour before Alessandro Del Piero came to his rescue.

Holland and Barcelona star Patrick Kluivert, who is available on a free transfer, has issued a come-and-get-me plea to Middlesbrough. (Sunday Mirror)

If he did issue said plea literally, it appears it mixed up in the north-east sorting office and went to Newcastle instead. Newcastle subsequently came and got him, and he spent a largely unfruitful one tear spell on Tyneside before a bottom half finish allowed both parties to end his contract.

Tottenham have joined Middlesbrough in the race to sign England and Bayern Munich midfielder Owen Hargreaves. (Sunday Mirror).

This turned out to be a marathon rather than a sprint, and neither Spurs or Middlesborough were anywhere to be seen at the finish line. Hargreaves stayed in Munich for two more seasons, was frequently maligned by England fans until out-performing everyone at the 2006 World Cup, when everyone decided he was actually rather handy in centre midfield and Manchester United put in a strong finish to take the tape. Hargreaves played well in his first season, scored a vital free-kick to defeat Arsenal on the way to a Premier League title, before tendinitis hit both his knees and his career went all a bit Simon Jones.

The Football Association is lining up Sammy Lee to replace David Platt as manager of the England Under-21 team. (The People)

Absolutely spot-on from The People, provided when they say Sammy Lee they mean Peter Taylor. Sammy Lee was later offered the job in 2006, but opted to stay at Bolton to realise his ambition as a Number 1. He fulfilled this ambition a year later when Allardyce left for Newcastle, spent 11 matches discovering it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be (and neither was he) before being fired and retreating to be number 2 again at Liverpool.

Chelsea are eyeing Spanish strikers Fernando Torres and Fernando Morientes. (Daily Star)

Eyeing them proved pointless as the pair decided Chelsea weren’t their type and when it came to the Premier League they only had eyes for Liverpool. The latter spent another half a season before joining the Reds in January 2005 for a disappointing spell, whilst the former remained at Atletico for a further three seasons before hitting Merseyside with a notably bigger bang than his compatriot, scoring an impressive 33 goals in 46 games in his debut season. When Liverpool sealed this deals, Chelsea instead opted for flops Mateja Kezman in 2004 (who scored fewer than Morientes) and Claudio Pizarro in 2007, leaving them to continue jealously eyeing up Torres in his splangly new red shirt.

Birmingham are set to beat Atletico Madrid and Seville to the signing of Chelsea’s Danish winger Jesper Gronkjaer. (Daily Star)

Birmingham do beat Atletico Madrid and Seville to his signature, before wishing they hadn’t and reverting to middle-man in his transfer to Atletico for a fee of £2.5m the following year.

Celtic have confirmed their interest in Czech Republic midfielder Marek Heinz but face competition from Everton, Portsmouth and Sporting Lisbon. (News of the World)

Tough break for News of the World, hedging their bets with four possible destinations in Scotland, England and Portugal before losing them all as the Czech international opted for Borussia Monchengladbach in Germany. Perhaps they neglected this possibility because they couldn’t spell it…

Former Chelsea striker Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink is close to agreeing a £25,000-per-week contract to join Celtic. (Sunday Mirror)

So close that he joined Middlesborough instead, enjoying a productive parntership with Mark Viduka that helped catapult Steve McClaren into the England job. Thanks Jimmy.

Norwich City are interested in out-of-favour Celtic defender Joos Valgaeren (News of the World).

News of the World continue their good run, as Valgaeren ran down his contract for another season without going anywhere near the home of Alan Partridge then went back to Belgium, joining Club Bruge on a free transfer.

Glenn Hoddle has applied for the vacant France job and will be interviewed - though he is an outsider to succeed Jacques Santini. (The Independent on Sunday).

Hoddle remained outside the French set up, with Raymond Domenech taking charge and leading them all the way to the World Cup Final in 2006, something Hoddle probably wouldn’t have done. Good choice French Football Federation.

Blackburn Rovers hope to sign Craig Moore after the Australia defender was stripped of the captaincy by Rangers. (Sunday Mirror)

Blackburn’s hopes are dashed as Moore remains in Glasgow for another season before heading to the suddenly ubiquitous Borussia Monchengladbach.

El-Hadji Diouf - chillaxed - Photo Serigne Diagne (Wikipedia) CCA

On this day in 2007, Scottish-based stories were the flavour of the day, lots of figurative (or literal?) transfer ‘races’ and ‘chases’ were set in motion with the transfer window set to re-open, and Middlesborough were more concerned about where Mark Viduka would be playing the following season than they were about having to travel to Millwall the following season should they beat Scunthorpe in the League One play-off final. It can only be the BBC’s Transfer Gossip Column…

Birmingham and Fulham are in the chase for Antoine Sibierski after he rejected a new contract at Newcastle (Star).

Not in the chase are Wigan, who sign him up. His career goes from strength to strength, including an excellent loan spell at Norwich.

Juventus look set to beat Rangers in the race to sign Bayern Munich’s Peruvian striker Claudio Pizarro (Record).

Juventus may well have won that particular race, but it’s no good just beating Rangers if Chelsea are also in the mix, and they beat you. Chelsea did beat Juventus, Rangers, and any other interested parties the Record missed.

Bayern Munich want Arsenal’s Robin van Persie (Mirror).

Want on, Bayern! To add a little creativity to their midfield, Bayern opt for an unknown from France by the name of Franck Ribery. They’re probably happy.

Benfica are interested in Bolton striker El-Hadji Diouf (Mirror).

Not as interested as Bolton are in retaining his services. He finally moves to Sunderland a year later, but surprisingly his work ethic doesn’t fit in so well with Roy Keane’s Sunderland, and soon after he makes the move to Blackburn to be reunited with Sam Allardyce, where he fits the mold of potentially excellent but difficult players that the boss likes down to a tee.

West Ham are poised to make an £8m offer for Barcelona’s Eidur Gudjohnsen, but Manchester United and Sunderland are also interested (Express).

He’s still at Barcelona, enjoying being fifth fiddle to Lionel Messi, Thierry Henry, Samuel Eto’o and Bojan.

Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate says he is “hamstrung” over possible summer signings until Mark Viduka decides whether he is staying or not (Times).

Viduka heads off on June 7. Southgate, now un-hamstrung, replaces the striker with a reputation for being a bit burly and slow-moving by spending £6m on Mido.

Birmingham, Stoke, Preston and Burnley are interested in Kris Commons after he rejected a new contract at Nottingham Forest (Sun).

Not as interested as Forest are in keeping him - Commons stays for another season. A year later he moves to Derby, who have grown more interested him than the other four.

Hermann Hreidarsson could join Portsmouth on a free transfer after a clause in his contract allowed him to leave Charlton following their relegation (Sun).

Could and does. The Hermanator makes the move two days later, suggesting that moves were already afoot.

Tottenham have beaten Lyon in the race to sign France U21 captain Younes Kaboul from Auxerre (Mail).

Tottenham do indeed break the tape in first place, signing Kaboul for around £7m, so spot on from the Mail. Kaboul develops a handy knack for scoring goals, particularly the last minute equaliser in the 4-4 draw with Villa that completed a comeback from 4-1 down and prevented Tottenham’s 125 anniversary celebrations from turnign sour. Unfortunately, he also developed an unhappy knack for mistakes that cost goals and got sold to Porstmouth, where he has steadily improved and scored against AC Milan.

Arsenal back-up keeper Mart Poom has turned down a move to Rangers. (Scottish Daily Express)

True enough, but the Scottish Daily Express fails to take a punt on his next move, perhaps slightly embarrassed that their elite could not prise Arsenal’s second choice keeper from the clutches of newly relegated Watford.

Aston Villa are considering a £1.5m bid for Kilmarnock forward Steven Naismith. (Scottish Daily Mirror)

The third rumour stemming from Scotland after the Record’s  Pizarro rumour and the Scottish Daily Express effort above, we can’t help but feel the guy who compiled BBC Sport’s gossip column was holidaying in the Highlands. Aston Villa may have been considering a bid, but can’t have rated him that highly since they felt it was better to spend £4m on Marlon Harewood. The Scottish Daily Mirror neglected to consider that Naismith would be the man signed up to console Rangers fans following near misses on Pizarro and Poom, apparently signing on the dotted line in Glasgow 19 seconds before deadline day in August 2007.

Hands off! Photo Darius Capulet

You’re the manager of a football club. You decide you need a new player. You scour the divisions, and listen to the sage words of your scouts. You make an enquiry. But oh no! “Hands off!”, you’re warned. By all rights you should slink back to the hole from whence you came, but you’ve read this column and you’ve noticed that “hands-off” means about as much as the meaning of the lyrics of Des’ree’s Life…

1. Porto issue £22m hands-off warning to Villa and United target Boswinga - 2 January 2008, Daily Mail

A half example to get us started - “hands-off - but if you’ve got £22m feel free to put your hands back on. In the event, neither Villa nor Manchester United signed him, but Chelsea did… for a hands-off sized £16.2m.

2. Real issue Owen hands-off warning - June 30 2005, Manchester Evening News

But Real director of football Arrigo Sacchi told the Daily Star: “Owen is not for sale because he is part of our coach Wanderley Luxemburgo’s plans.

“Chelsea have not been in touch with us to make an offer for him, or in recent times for any of our players.

“Some of the things written about who is coming to, and who is leaving Real Madrid, are almost as incredible as science fiction.”

Two months later Michael Owen signs for Newcastle United in a deal which is less science fiction and more horror.

3. The performances did not go unnoticed, forcing City chairman John Wardle to slap the obligatory “hands-off” warning on his prize asset [Shaun Wright-Phillips] - 18 July 2005, BBC

The article is written on the day that Shaun Wright-Phillips confirms a £21m move to Chelsea, and the reference to the warning is somewhat tired and defeated, and brilliantly dismissed as being one of those footballing customs which has no beneficial application.

4. AC Milan today issued a “hands-off” warning to Chelsea over Brazilian superstar Kaka - 13 June 2008, Evening Standard

What they meant, of course, was that there would be no talking about a deal unless there was at least £100m on the table. And you thought Manchester City Chairman Garry Cook was stupid. You were wrong.

5. Fergie issues hands-off warning to Real - 28 May 2008, Telegraph

Real persisted and persisted, and in no way got their man, not that it has stopped rumours being reported as news almost weekly since last summer. Perhaps Real were mindful that their own hands-off warning concerning Michael Owen was the stuff of science fiction.

6. Middlesborough issue ‘hands off’ warning over Downing - 25 May 2006, Guardian

You’re wasting your time, Spurs, they’ll never sell. That should nip the Downing story in the bud…

7. Boro: Hands off young stars - 20 December 2007, SBS

You’re wasting your time, Spurs, and now Everton, they’ll never sell. That should nip the Downing story in the bud…

8. Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate has issued a hands-off warning to both enquiries but is now reported to be more interested in a deal with the news that Spurs are willing to release striker Jermain Defoe - 9 January 2008, Daily Mail

You’re wasting your time Spurs - again! But what’s that? If Jermain Defoe is for sale then maybe not? That would have been an awkward conversation for Southgate:

Ramos: Hi Gareth - just wanted to ask you about Downing.

Southgate: Hands off. I’m warning you.

Ramos: Well, I was going to talk about a deal including Jermain Defoe, but if you’re not interested…

Southgate: Wait! Maybe I am interested.

Ramos: You told me ‘hands off’.

Southgate: You didn’t tell me about Defoe before.

Ramos: You didn’t let me, Gareth. You didn’t let me. Manners.

9. Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate has issued a hands-off warning to Liverpool over Stewart Downing, saying the England winger is “not for sale” - 16 June 2008, BBC

You’re wasting your time, Liverpool, they’ll never sell. Good to see Spurs and Everton picked up the hint. That should nip the Downing story in the bud…

10. Downing, of course, is a player Harry wants at the Lane, and the “hands-off” warning he got from Boro in January is unlikely to stop him bidding again this summer - 5 March 2009, Daily Star

Which somewhat encapsulates the problem. On some levels, ‘hands-off’ is a meaningless threat that stops neither a club selling nor an interested club bidding. On another level, it’s been two and a half years of Downing is not for sale rhetoric from Middlesborough, and that’s neither stopped the transfer chat nor seen Downing actually be sold. Football reporting - it’s a patchwork quilt of words and cliches which occasionally synchronises with reality.